Christian Dating: Girlfriend's Rules To Dating

Being single and having your other single girlfriends around you know the subject has to come up about men. Except in our circle the question becomes "How do you meet a good quality Christian man?" It is not hard to meet a  man at all.   Christian dating adds another factor to the equation.  My philosophy on relationships are quite different than "most" and I do mean most. Not in any weird way but having been both married and single, I've gotten to see both perspectives of being single. I am writing a book on relationships." I started it a few years ago, but had to put it on hold because some of the book would take time to live out. Unhealthy relationships can occur between anyone. Any person you cannot properly "relate" to or communicate with, that relationship is unhealthy.  While the book is not from the female perspective, this article is and contains excerpts from the book.  If you are male and reading this, just reverse the scenario.

The topic of rules came up when a friend of mine suggested I do a television show on relationships & dating as it relates to Christians.  We were discussing being single, meeting men, and where you do meet a man and with what qualities, what boundaries, etc. should be in place. As I stated, my views on relationships are quite different - and of course it wasn't always like that.  I have attended "singles" socials and actually had fun, but that is not my ideal choice of a place to go and meet a man. And what about internet dating?  Is it wrong if someone finds a spouse in those settings? I don't believe it's wrong.  As for me, it is not my cup of tea. I won't get into the why's and all that. 


MEETING A MAN
In order to meet a man, I don't think God is going to "drop one on my door" step; but you never know though he just might - like the UPS man that came to my door once.  (smile) I believe I am being told to Be friendly, Be open but be selective. Funny story - I spent so much time arguing with the man across the street from me about what now seems to be a trivial issue, that I did not stop to look at him.  I'd just moved into the neighborhood and I accused him of creating mess and he said it wasn't him.  I insisted it was.  One day he asked to borrow a tool (what made him ask me - I don't know) but anyway, for the first time I actually looked at him and saw that he was very attractive. Now I didn't want to get with him or anything. But that scenario just made me think - you could chase off good candidates by not being open and friendly. Of course, there certainly are some people you should not be open & friendly to.

EXCLUSIVITY
I don't think there is anything wrong in exclusivity as it relates to being in a relationship, but I believe it would have to be to the discretion of both parties.  Make your intentions known up front.  I want to get married or I don't plan to get married for quite some time.  If you are not ready to get married in the near future but want to go out with a person as friends and that person is looking to get married, I don't believe you should go out with that individual.  It would be unhealthy.  I don't agree with the Muslim religion, but I like what one young Muslim girl said about their idea of dating.  There is no such thing.  In their culture if a man and a woman are communicating, they are doing so for the purpose of getting married.  It's the process they go through to see if the two would be a good fit.

HOW LONG?
While good solid friendships should last for a lifetime, I don't believe courtships should be long & drawn out. "God is this the one or shall I look for another?"  I do know that if we listen to God, he will tell us what to do and it will be less drama.  It is okay to have friends and don't allow any "claim" on you.  It give you a chance to observe them from a distance.  For a Christian, it should not take that long to figure out if a man is for you.  Listen to his conversation.  What is he talking about?  What does he like to talk about?  Does he change the subject every time you start talking about the word?  or Does he start out talking about God and then tries to steer the conversation a different way?  I knew someone like that.  Anyone can go to church.  Some go regularly and are quite knowledgeable of the word.  I am not saying that you don't spend time talking about other things.  Just as long as those other conversations don't end up in "what are you wearing right now" conversations.  What kinds of activities doe he like to plan with you and where?  Does he avoid public places?  Does he mind doing activities that involve more than the two of you like group settings, etc.?  If he has a problem studying the word with you or talking about the word (I mean genuinely) then that's a problem.  It all boils down to whether or not you can tell the difference between dating him and someone in the world.

If a relationship should be long for certain reasons: a man meets a woman he "knows" he wants to marry, but his or her work schedule is not conducive to developing the relationship right now or he or she has other things that need to be handled prior to committing to a major life change (kids growing up, financial, etc.); this is when an understanding has to be in place in order for the relationship to be successful.  I think every person should have a list of interview questions.  We usually don't think about this kind of stuff until after the euphoria has worn off.  But it would save us drama.

CAN TWO CHRISTIANS BE UNEQUALLY YOKED?
Christian couples need to be compatible.  I don't think people should "accept" a person with "faults"  and wait for those "faults" to improve.  It could pull you down in the process if they aren't committed to growth and you are.  I am not saying a person has to be spotless.  We all have work to do.  It is important to find out what level of commitment the both of you are at and make your decisions accordingly.  Find out what their spiritual goal is.  If a man says he is called to be a Pastor of a church and you don't want to accept that responsibility of being a Pastor's wife he needs to know that up front.  If you know that you are called to the work of the ministry, you know you will need a man who can handle or accept what God has called you to do.  He won't pull you away from the things of God but steer you toward them and encourage you in them.  I believe people can be unequally yoked and both Christian if they both are not at the same level of commitment spiritually.  If you both have different goals spiritually, this could cause trouble.  You're at church all the time and he doesn't understand it or vice versa.  I've seen it work both ways.  A man more committed than his wife will have trouble at home if she doesn't understand or agree with his level of commitment.  I am not talking about him neglecting his home or the relationship.  There is a difference.  It is inevitable that if one of you spends a considerable amount of time in the word and ministry related activities, and the other does not, this will soon pull you apart.  One of you makes the choice to grow continually and the other does not . . . There will definitely be some friction in the relationship.  The things that are important to you won't be important to them.  The carnal mind does not understand spiritual things.  It cannot.  These are some things to think about on the front end.   Now none of the above matters if you are not committed to living the life Christ has prescribed. 

WHAT ARE THE RULES?
How close, how distant?  What's okay to do and what's not?  One friend said she would not initially tell a man on the first date that she is not going to sleep with him because she didn't want to scare him off.  I could understand that to a small degree, but I would it would save the both of you some time.  Be tactful.   I am sure there is some way the topic could be incorporated into the conversation where you are getting to know what each other are about.  Some people describe themselves as "touchy feely."  They say, "That's just the way I'm made up."  That may be true for them.  But the rules change when you want to live your life for Christ.  I will cover more detail in the book on the "rules."  We are not living our own lives.  Some close friends of mine gave me advice that didn't make sense at the time.  I had spent the early years of my adult life, which means I had to learn how to be a single Christian.  It's different being single and Christian and single in the secular world.  Rules of relationships? Keep some distance and in some cases a lot of distance. Having people around you create the distance you need.  There is a scripture in the Bible that says don't do anything that "looks like" evil.  My very good friend asked me to come over to her house while she had some work done by this man we knew.  A very respectful man that I never saw behave in a questionable way.  I know and trust without a doubt that this guy is safe, even today.  I asked her why I needed to be there.  My natural tendency is to think good about everyone.  It's how I grew up.  But I quickly learned that people are different.  Everyone doesn't think the way I do.  As Christians, we've got many accusers and we don't want to knowingly give them any reason to think badly about God's word or use our scenario to justify their own actions.  Sure it is innocent, but what does it look like or what is the perception that people would get?  Don't give the devil a chance.  Now it shouldn't have to be that way, but because of how the enemy likes to use scenarios and plant stuff into people's minds she had a point.   People always like to justify their actions by someone they think that everyone thinks highly of in order to influence others into their way of thinking.  

IS IT THAT DIFFICULT?
When I took a course entitled "Kingdom Relationships" at my church - hind site being 20/20, I agree with my Pastor.  We make things overly complicated.  But it is easy to do that when we don't have full revelation of the word.  I believe that I could be real friends with a man without there being any sort of "dating" or "claim" in our relationship.  I don't have to spend a lot of time with him like going out to dinner, etc.  I just have to know by the spirit of God that He truly is a man of God.  Know the spirit by the spirit.  That's the kind of man I am attracted to.  However I have to "sow into" what I want by being the woman of God like the kind of man I want.  By His fruit I shall know him. We would basically get to know each other over a period of time by being in the same circles, etc. and one day just "decide" to get married, all other factors being proper. As Christians, we choose to love. Love is not an accident, it's a purposeful action.  It is something you do.

What we know about dating was taught to us and "portrayed" to us. Who says it has to be that way? Men/women made up the first rules. Why can't we create some new ones?  I am positioning myself.  We attract what we are like.  That is why people who get divorced should not immediately jump into another relationship until they have been healed and remove all of that old baggage.

While I have been divorced, I teach my children (now 18 and 20) that they can get married once and stay married for the rest of their lives if they do it right.  We can allow God to choose a mate for us or we can choose our own.  My kids & I talk all the time and I have gained a lot of insight on their ideas of dating.   They both know they want to be married, but don't see a need to date until that time.   

I believe it can be just that way.